it started with me talking to Bill who was my Boss at the Stadium. He was telling me how his current project was going and that he was having trouble with one of his guys (named D-Kay) taking extra long lunches or something.
After that I went to Chang's Mongolian grill on Broadway, where I haven't gone for YEARS. (I do like it there a lot tho). I was stilling having trouble eating. Something that has been kind of an issue for me lately. Me, food, bleh, meh. No real interest or motivation, so anyway, I was sitting there kinda poking at my food at my food for a couple of hours I guess, and I hadn't grabbed a lot in the first place. ( I figure this is just me dealing with my food issue in my dream)....
Somewhere after this point I ran into Sebastian. And we were hanging out at someone's place where we could change the music, maybe my place. I dunno, it was like a corner of the living room area near where we could actually mess with the CD/mp3 player which occupied a position very like the one my dvd player has now (i.e.; near the floor, easy to get to, etc). We had been listening to the smiths for about 2 songs and I was talking about my mom not letting me listen to the smiths when they came out because they "depressed" her. But there was someone else there, someone that was around my mom then, because we were also talking about how much other stuff I *was* able to do in my teens that most weren't. ANYWAY, So Sebastian had made a couple of mixed CDs that he wanted us to listen to so we were. Apparently, I wasn't paying attention during that day because someone had written (I do not know with what) on my neck "I am so ready to be done" , which was appropriate to the work I was doing at the time job wise and was meant to be a statement *from* me, not *to* me (someone putting words into my mouth basically, kinda like the poem I wrote on Lena... same concept). And I grabbed a pen and I wrote it on Sebastian just below his collar bone because it was appropriate for him too, and I wanted to see how it looked, and he was ok with that. I wrote it with a blue ball point pen. (in case you were wondering). It was nice to hang out with Sebastian. We were talking about his life and things happening with him, just like hanging out chat and stuff. In my dream he had a little girl, who he loved very much, but saw rarely because he worked nights so he slept during the day/she wasn't home when he was. He was in an actual real relationship with her mother, so I mean it wasn't like he was in that part time father role because of anything other than his work schedule. He was DJ-ing at a club (his club?) 5 nights a week, including weekends, unless he had some guest DJs. He loved the work, but he hated not being able to see his daughter very much. In my dream he had brought her with him, so she was kinda playing while we talked and watched her. She was playing with someone else's children who were there. Maybe we were at a party/get together at someone's house. But mostly we all just hung out and talked. It wasn't like I was having weird sexual dreams about him or anything, I don't really feel that way about Sebastian. I really like him, don't misunderstand, but my fondness for Sebastian is not at all related to any sexual/physical attraction at all. I am not his type, nor is he mine.(I do think he is a very attractive man, just not the flavor of attractive that makes *me* want to get naked) :) It is similar to my fondness for Bugsy, only even less flirty. I just like him, as a person. Something about him is familiar to me, I noticed it right away (which is probably why I was so convinced we had met before or that I had seen him around a lot). I have spoken with him at the clubs a few times at length. I like to talk with him. He struck a nerve in me but it wasn't the same nerves *most* (like 99% of the people I know) have ever struck before. And I spent some time trying to figure out what it was exactly that attracted me to him so much. I don't want anything from him, other than friendship. I don't desire him in any way other than friendship/discourse. So I read his website. and I think I figured out. :) I think he hit me in my Grit. Which to people who do not know grit sounds sexual, but it's like a pulp noir kinda grit. The way his speaks and carries himself, and the things he wrote on his site...
He reminds me a lot of a character I created that has no name, but is the main character of a series of stories. (to which I will write more, and rewrite the one I lost). Really I think it is my best story to date. It is a series of detective novels, and the detective is kinda egotistical (but he has earned it thru his life and is *exceptionally* good at what he does, kinda surly (once again, something he has earned the right to be, not a peaches and cream existence), and really gritty, smokes too much, I love to write those stories. They are so much fun, and hit me in that special yummy spot where my Grit lives. mmmm GRIT...
I think that is why he feels so familiar to me. He reminds me so much of someone that lives in my head. (not in that "I hear his voice, it tells me things" kinda way, but in the way that a character you right of in a series does, if you don't write and you don't get it... I dunno if I can really explain it any better than that). It is very easy for me to be fond of Sebastian because I already have that room in my life/head/heart. I wasn't trying to fill it up with anyone or anything, and I don't need him to fill it up now... I am already comfortable with who he is, so I don't feel like I have to make the relationship between us fit anywhere or conform to anything. It feels lived in already, it's nice. I don't have any expectations of him at all. I don't need anything from him at all. I just want to be friends with him, spend time with him on occasion we are both able, talk with him. I would be very pleased with that. I do not expect him to feel uber comfortable with me, altho I hope he will. I do not expect him to have room in his life/head/heart that suits me fine as well. I do not really expect anything from him at all other than for him to be Sebastian.
Now that I know which nerve he strikes in me I am much more comfortable with it. I have a lot of friends that I am really very very fond of. (several of you people on my friends list as a matter of fact).. I don't want anything from any of you other than to be your friend, talk with you, spend time with you when we are both able. I don't expect anything from any of you other than that you are who you are. I think you are all attractive. I am too vain to not associate with people that I do not think are attractive to be honest. It is a flaw I recognize in myself. But I do find a lot of people attractive for a lot of different reasons and in a lot of different ways. I adore and admire most of you a GREAT deal. (ok so there are a few people I might kinda worship a little bit too.. but I am not saying WHO right now you just have to GUESS). I have a great deal of love for all of my friends. I don't expect anyone to love me back. It is not important to me that anyone does. It is important to me that I love you, because it is the one thing that I can give you that will only *add* to your life and not take anything away. And it only adds to my life to love you, it doesn't diminish the amount of love I have for anyone else. I just enjoy lavishing everyone with attention and affection. It is hard at the clubs because I only have so much time there, and there are always so many many people there that I love (which is why I love to GO, surrounded by beautiful people I LOVE), but I am only able to really lavish my attention of a few people a night. *sigh*. I try to make time for everyone. Sometimes it breaks down to just being lavishing affection on people for brief spurts. *sigh*.
enough of my blathering. On with your regularly scheduled Saturday. :P
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