Carfax Estate Nanny

things everyone should remember:

It is *NOT* always about you, and USUALLY isn't even.

Acting as though it IS about you is a fast way to burn bridges with people.

Ranting or Venting about something is not the same as asking for Reassurance or Help. Be clear about what you are doing and you will probably get what you need out of it.

Some things really ARE a big deal. Usually things that involve death or commonly fatal diseases, and any injury that leaves you actually deformed for life (as an example: the cut inside my lip that required several stitches but can not be seen unless I SHOW it to anyone on purpose = an amusing story, not a big huge deal. A friend cutting off a large portion of the top of their finger = big deal, and possibly an amusing story in the future). The key to what makes it a big deal is "WILL THIS ACTUALLY HAVE A MAJOR AFFECT ON MY LIFE FOREVER OR JUST FOR THE NEXT DAY/WEEK/MONTH?" And really, a lot of things that will have a major affect on your next month are a big deal... like getting your car stolen (although, to be honest, this will affect you the rest of your life).
Please do not act like something is a major life altering event if you are going to be over it in a day or two. Drama is making a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal, and is often more of a "he said/she said/they said" situation than it needs to be.

When all is said and done, everyone is as worried about their own lives and bullshit as you are. This means they are unlikely to waste a lot of time focused on what you, unless you are a major part of their lives. This also means that things they say are unlikely to have anything to do with YOU.

No comments for you. This is only a public service message. (this post is directed at everyone, not to anyone person in particular. Everyone should remember these things. Even me.)

There is an old saying that states that any man can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad. The gist of which is that any one with some fertile semen can create new life (fertile female assumed), but that a DAD is someone who actually gets involved in a positive way in the life of their children.

Society has enormous expectations for Dads. They have to be strong, comforting, and good providers. The Societal expectation that Dads are also Husbands is slowly going away, thankfully, but there is still a hefty amount of expectation on that end as well. It is hard to be a Mom as well, but this post is not about Moms (and is not going to get into that issue, perhaps I will do that one another time).

I grew up without a dad. I had a grandpa who filled most of those Father Figure roles for me, and an Uncle (Don) who filled in some of the rest. My mom tried to fill both roles, but it is DAMN hard to be mom AND dad.

That said, I just wanted to take a few minutes to appreciate and really comment on the Dads that I do know. A really good Dad tends to get cherished by their progeny as well as the friends of their progeny. Spydrman has a good Dad. Most of my best friends have good Dads as well. I am lucky that those Dad do not mind being shared. :)

Some of my friends ARE good Dads as well.

These are the guys who take the time to teach their kids about stuff they do, play with their children, actually explain things in the world and universe to their children, make their children a priority, soothe the hurts their children have (as best they can), take their kids to things (soccer, hockey, band, dance, or other practice/class), often they get involved in activities their kids are doing (hockey, soccer, band, theatre, school, whatever), they help their kids when they can, they set boundaries for their kids (kids need boundaries, no really)... In short, they actually NURTURE their kids.

It's not always that easy to be a nurturer and a MAN at the same time. So many of the pressures of our world are focused on the MAN being strong, unemotional, gruff, to be the big Problem Solver, to BUILD and REPAIR everything, and to "bring home the bacon". Society tells us that men are the pillars we lean on for strength. Society doesn't ever tell us where men are supposed to find that strength. It's a pretty hefty load for Dads to carry, and I think most of them do it pretty quietly (how many dads have YOU heard talk about the expectations they have upon them?). The thing is that it isn't just their peers or coworkers that are providing those expectations; often, it is coming from the older generations of their own family - particularly their own parents. To be the modern Dad and still be able to uphold the traditional Dad roles - it's pretty damned impressive.

This is often magnified by the relationship of Dad with the Other Parent - sometimes in a good way, and sometimes not. Any more it is just as likely for Dad to live WITH their children as NOT, or to only have their children part of the time. Not living with their children adds in the expectation of Having a Life when they aren't Being a Parent. But those Dads really never stop being a parent, just because the child is staying not with them. I think that gets lost on a lot of us really, and it shouldn't be. It's even harder to be a *good* dad when you don't have your children there to nurture all the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. There is a pretty big importance on being a good Uncle, grandfather, or other male type role model as well. But, unless these people are living with the children, it's not exactly as large of a role.

So, to all the dads I know that really are DADS - good job man, you really are amazing, and thanks for doing your best for your kids. It makes a difference to everyone who knows you, whether they say anything about it or not.

#1 not everybody mourns publicly - what does this mean? It means that *they* are not likely to be at any memorials or wakes. This does *not* mean that anyone should press them about it. This does *not* mean that it is an open invitation for giving someone the 3rd degree. Chill the fuck out people.

#2 some people *do* mourn publicly - what does this mean? It means that being with friends and loved ones helps them get through the closure process. It does not mean they are "deathfuckers" or any charming epithets like that. It means that this is how they mourn. Once again, chill the fuck out people.

#3 a lot of people are extra sensitive emotionally today - Jessica's death aside, there are a remarkable amount of stresses on each of us and it is really just compounded by our emotions regarding Jessica. *PLEASE* try very hard to not read between the lines on anything anyone says today. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT IMPLY SHIT AT PEOPLE SO THEY HAVE TO. :D Thanks.

#4 I may or may not cry. I don't like to cry in public. It is a psychological stigma that I retain from my childhood. get over it.

#5 Try to remember that everyone is upset, and try to be a little sensitive with the language you choose. (ooo I am being all hypocritical here and I admit it. This post is a little abrupt, but I needed to say this fast and clean. Sorry if anyone is upset at all, it is not my intention to upset people just to bring a little bit of a reality check to things.

I am off now.

Amore - the romantic affection between two people. The love most people are thinking of when they say they want to have sex with someone they love.

Agape - unconditional love. The sort of love where you are more interested in what is best for someone than what you want. The sort of love where you accept all the good and bad in someone. Where you are willing to help them change when they need or want to, but will continue to love them regardless of whether they do or not.

I am assuming that everyone has seen Pretty In Pink (John Hughes directed, stars: Andre McCarthy, James Spader, Jon Cryer, and Molly Ringwold) [if you haven't seen this film you should go to the video store and rent every John Hughes movie you can find, and watch them - very 80s smarmy teen stuff, but a lot of cultural reference within, ex Ferris Bhuelers Day Off]. Examples of these 2 kinds of love from Pretty In Pink

Amore:

Blaine: "you said you couldn't love someone who didn't believe in you. I have always believed in you. You just never believed in me. I love you"

Agape:

Ducky: "this is a very romantic moment and you are ruining it for me. If you don't go after him, I am never taking you to another prom."