Carfax Estate Nanny

for those of you who do not truly comprehend what "fibro fog" means, as "the dumb", I give you a piece of my morning:

7am take off my pajamas and put on undies, pants, and a bra. Look for my short sleeved black sweater by staring at a pile of clothes for about 10 minutes and realizing I will need to move and touch things since most everything is black and I can not identify the sweater like this. Shuffle things around for a while, but don't find it.

7:10am Ein meows at me in the "Mommy, it's breakfast time!!" whine. So I go feed the cats. It occurs to me that a cup of coffee would be tasty.

7:15am I go and sit down at the computer and stare at my inbox. It occurs to me that I am cold and should put on a shirt or something. I stare at my inbox some more (while I scroll up and down, I don't actually *open* anything. Just stare at it). It occurs to me that I have the dumb and should call Sr. and Jr. bosses to let them know I have the dumb (they have told me not to come in like this, which is good, so I don't fuck anything up).

7:20am Ein maos for attention, and starts tossing bottles of pills on the floor. Luckily they have lids on securely. I watch this for a few minutes. Then he rattles the top of the jingly stick toy. So I pull out the bamboo toy that is close to me and play with him for a few minutes. It occurs to me that I am cold and should put something on. It occurs to me that a cup of coffee would be tasty.

7:25am TV is making a lot of noise, so I look at it. No idea what I was watching. Cartoon Network.

7:30am it occurs to me that I am cold and should put something on. It occurs to me that coffee would be tasty. I go into the kitchen and turn on the electric tea kettle. (again, thank you for the intro to the idea, Mike). I realize I am hungry and would like a bagel. In the 3 minutes it takes the kettle to heat, I vacillate back and forth between blueberry or plain bagel and decide to go for blueberry. I slice the bagel and put it in the toaster.

7:35am I mix up my cup of coffee. Hurrah for instant coffee from Japan that is actually tasty. Something smells really tasty and it occurs to me that a bagel would be good. I notice that I have a toasted one waiting for me in the toaster. YAY. I put butter on it and go sit down.

7:45am it occurs to me that I am cold and should put something on. I sip my coffee. It *is* tasty. mmmm coffee. I stare at my inbox. And take a bite of my bagel.

7:50am it occurs to me that I am cold and should put something on. I sip some more of my coffee and look at the pile of clothing.

7:55am it occurs to me that I am cold and should put something on. It occurs to me that the red thing my eyes are resting on is a polar fleece sweatshirt and it would be warm, so I go grab it and put it on.

8:00 it occurs to me that it took me an *hour* to put on a shirt because I was cold, and it would be a good way to explain how fibro fog affects me to all of you, so I sit down to write this all out.

and now you know what I mean by The Dumb. I mean *dumb*.

the larch.


and now...

the stomach flu


*sigh*

Specifically *my blood*... more specifically, My heart. A lot of you on my friends list are fairly new friends and so you do not remember when I had a heart attack 10 years ago and how everything in my life suddenly CHANGED.

So, they are sending me in for Stress Testing. And lately my heart has been more of an issue.

And the threat of the Defibrilator used on your while you are awake so they can slow your heart down is one hell of a motivator.

So this is me clearly stating my boundries again. Most everyone has already heard this, but A lot of things have really been crystalizing for me the last few weeks about my relationships with people.

I honestly do not have time for mind games or passive aggressive bullshit in my direction. If you want something from me, want me to treat you some certain way, do something for you, whatever - FUCKING ASK ME. Really, odds are that I will say yes, none of you has had any unrealisitic requests from me so far. If I say no, no amount of manipulation is going to change my mind. Altho, if you do use manipulation on me (or try) to get something, you are far less likely to get it than just asking. Manipulation irritates me at the best of times, and right now it's a real deal breaker, my heart is too fragile - literally.

If we are having any kind of tense, exuberant, energetic, or whatever conversation/argument/debate and I say "we have to stop for a little while" this is NON NEGOTIABLE, it means my heart is freaking out from the adreniline, and I need to let it rest for a little while. most of the time that just means a change of topic for 5 or 10 minutes. Then we can go back to where we were. IF YOU CAN NOT TAKE THE STOP NOW HINT I WILL HAVE TO STOP TALKING TO YOU PERIOD. There is no reason for ANYONE to be careless with my LIFE. Period.

that's really it. Not really pointing fingers or anything, honest. I just want to make sure it is very clear what the boundries are right now. Things are a little more scary for me right now than is normal - so I have to play things really close.

Really, I play these rules both ways. I am pretty blunt about asking, and I respect the "we need to change topics for a little while" reqests too.

Everyone needs solid boundries. These are mine.

and, OO LOOK IT'S A PUBLIC POST. BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS!!!